CFNS: Self-crucifying bus drivers protested by sign advocates

ASUNCION, Paraguay–Eight city transit bus drivers from Luque, Paraguay who nailed themselves to crosses in protest of being fired for asking for higher pay are now themselves being protested by groups representing more conventional means of protest. The International Sandwich Board Advocates (ISBA) and the World Society of Sign Carriers (WSSC) have descended on the …

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“American Idol” wants to freshen up? Try cancellation!

AmericanIdolFlushIt

Here we go again.  Television’s monument to American viewing stupidity – American Idol — is running yet another lap around the banality barn, promising in a recent Hollywood Reporter interview to “freshen things up” for their coming 13th season. Whatever. I mean, sure.  What’s more fresh than a 13th-straight season of manufactured, corporate-crafted, over-hyped so-called …

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Are another 50 years of annoying JFK conspiracies coming?

JFK

After scanning an article about a special scheduled to air three weeks before the 50th anniversary of the John F. Kennedy assassination this coming November, we at TCFP found ourselves once again forced to confront America’s love affair with conspiracy theories. Through the last 50 years, novelists and “journalists” of all kinds have provided us …

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Latest Vick: Red Robin commercial gets vedge-heads screaming

TCFP’s Victim Mentality Award marches on, with a new recipient:  Vegetarians and vegans who can’t take a joke. A recent television ad by Red Robin, one of those trendy sit-down restaurants with un-daring menu fare (o.e.g: Appleby’s, TGI’s, Ruby Tuesday) has managed to draw fire from an uptight element of vedge-heads for the way it …

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America’s latest love affair: Cinema “Too Soon-ism”

Recently, an article pondered whether or not critics have a point when they complain that the upcoming Superman movie contains a scene that’s a little too invoking of the recent tornado tragedies in Oklahoma. The coming film “Man Of Steel” apparently contains an epic Clark Kent encounter with a twister and an aftermath scenario.  Meanwhile, …

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CFNS: OK twisters cause HAARP facility to burn out from overuse

GAKONA, ALASKA — The director of the evil, evil HAARP facility in Alaska now admits that the facility’s indulgent generation of tornadoes in the Lower Plains of the United States during the month of May has caused several crucial circuits at the facility to burn out from overuse. “We fired up too many tornadoes all …

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Pop tart gun incident: A case where everybody’s stupid

Every so often, a story comes along where everybody involved in the story is just plain stupid.  The Maryland Pop Tart Gun incident is a classic example. Seven-year-old (now eight) Joshua Welch was awarded a free lifetime membership to the National Rifle Association after being suspended by his elementary school in the Baltimore area.  His …

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What is the “Key to the City”, anyway?

This is one of those dangerously ponderous blog entry-like blog entries, but . . .  just what the hell is the “Key to the City”, anyway? We’ve seen it on television and in film, this award that is bestowed by a mayor to someone to honor their heroism or service to the community.  Usually it …

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Five women dead in California limousine fire

Disaster:  Limousine fire on the San Mateo-Hayward bridge, San Francisco Bay region, California.  Rapidly-spreading blaze engulfs limousine with nine female passengers from a wedding reception; the five fatalities are all women, including the newly-married bride. How brown are they?:  Passengers were of Chicano extraction; we’re guessing Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, maybe Salma Hayek Reaction from …

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Wag-dogger: NJ guv Christie kills spider; PETA screams

Here’s the latest non-news news item to crop up:  It seems that New Jersey governor Chris Christie (Where in the hell do these Republicans get these names?  Reince, Rush, Rand, Newt, Mitt, Chris Christie — sheezus!), is more than a straight-talking, aisle-crossing leader of a state in post-Hurricane Sandy crisis.  It seems that he’s also …

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CFNS: Hong Kong rubber duckie wants to talk growth hormones “right f–king now!!”

HONG KONG — A 54-foot-tall rubber duckie that floated into the Hong Kong harbor to the astonishment of onlookers wants answers. In an obscenity-laced tirade, Karl Van de Kamp, a whimsical bathtub toy originally of Amsterdam, The Netherlands, claims that the growth hormone he was prescribed by a U.S. doctor for a chronic sinus condition …

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Suffering war vets should tell D.C.: Tanks for nothing

In case you need a refresher on who’s really running this country, lawmakers from both sides of the aisle are pushing to appropriate about a half a billion dollars in U.S. tax money toward the production of tanks that the U.S. Army has said it doesn’t need. Despite a repeated “No thanks” from senior army …

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Building collapse in Bangladesh; over 700 fatalities to date

Disaster:  Garment factory building in Savar, Bangladesh collapses.  Rescuers still digging through the wreckage; currently over 700 fatalities reported. How brown are they?:  Most of the cast of the film “Gandhi”; Tila “Tequila” Nguyen; Kal Penn Reaction from American Society:  “Jeezis!  Is this thing still in the news?” Similar disaster from U.S. History: The Tri-State …

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H’wood celebs hope a week of living $1.50/day will solve something

What’s more heartwarming than the notion of a rich, well-connected Hollywood celeb stepping over millions of disenfranchised U.S. citizens on behalf of the plight of people overseas? Apparently, a small group of Hollywood celebs led by Ben Affleck are planning to spend an entire week (well, five days worth, anyway) living on $1.50 per day, …

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CFNS: NFL prospects offended by vandalized hotel room’s feng shui

Two National Football League prospects responsible for an especially egregious trashing of an Indianapolis hotel room during the recent NFL Combine say they were motivated by the “tremendously bad feng shui” of the suite’s decor and layout. A hotel manager at Indianapolis’ Crowne Plaza hotel was summoned to the room shared by the two football …

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7.7 quake strikes Iran-Pakistan border; something like 47 dead

Disaster:  7.7 magnitude earthquake, epicenter in eastern Iran near the border with Pakistan.  Iran sources retracting earlier reports that 40 people were killed; Pakistan reports six fatalities and 1,000 damaged structures. How brown are they?:  Most of your basic Kardashian sisters; Salman Rushdie; Penelope Cruz; famous octomom Nadya Suleman Reaction from American society:  Huh? Similar disaster …

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Introducing new category: Dead Brown People

DeadBrownPeople

Using the broad information-gathering resources of our own Chuck Foxtrot News Service division, we are unveiling a new category to suit your information needs.  The category is titled, “Dead Brown People”, and it’s a gathering list of recent disasters in areas of the world many everyday Americans love to ignore, mostly because they’re filled with …

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Marathon bombings: Twitter storm muscles into news

BosMarathonBombings

As you know, the Boston Marathon was hammered by two bomb blasts.  Like many Americans, I’m scanning the internet, trying to gather what happened.  And amid the search for information — the human toll; the rush of first responders to the scene; comments from the Boston Police, the mayor’s office, and the president; some indications …

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CFNS: Russian meteor actually fat guy thrown off Aeroflot flight

MOSCOW:  Russian defense officials now confirm that the fiery meteor that exploded over west central Russia on February 15 was, in actuality, an obese passenger who was ejected from an Aeroflot flight from Novosibirsk to Moscow. Reports from the Russian Air Defense Authority conclude that the passenger, 42-year-old Sergei Abolshoyolev, was jettisoned by Aeroflot Flight …

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GMA thinks Putin playing with his dogs is news

At long last, a wag-dogger that actually includes dogs!  The world of blog commentarianism finally comes full-circle. For some reason, Yahoo!’s Good Morning America connection posted a picture and brief article of Vladimir Putin playing with his dogs, Buffy and Yume.  Some Russian presidents just love “Putin” on the dog, I suppose.  (Very audible groan.) …

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