Here we go again. Television’s monument to American viewing stupidity – American Idol — is running yet another lap around the banality barn, promising in a recent Hollywood Reporter interview to “freshen things up” for their coming 13th season.
I mean, sure. What’s more fresh than a 13th-straight season of manufactured, corporate-crafted, over-hyped so-called talent getting deposited into our living rooms like runoff from a hog farm? And all this in a nation full of honestly-talented musical artists who have to work soul-sucking jobs to pay their rents and mortgages, or else sleep every night on pool tables or in their cars. Why support actual talent when American Idol makes it so easy to just stay at home and make millionaires out of singing cardboard cut-outs?
Apparently, freshening things up is something that has been a constant endeavor over at American Idol. Don’t believe me? Consider the long, unspooling list of judges that have been on the show during its run: Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, Stryker, Angie Martinez, Kara DioGuardi, Ellen DeGeneres, Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, Mariah Carey, Keith Urban, Nicky Minaj, Lionel Ritchie, Robin Gibb, Donna Summer, Quentin Tarantino, and audition judges Gene Simmons, LL Cool J, Jewel, Olivia Newton-John, Neil Patrick Harris, Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Avril Lavigne, Joe Jonas, Mary J. Blige, and Katy Perry. Practially everyone whose name is too long, too short, or padded with pointless initials has judged the show, and more of them are coming. That’s how confident American Idol is in the ability of their rustled-up “talent” to trap your intrigue.
Despite the indications from the general viewing audience that they don’t care for being told by out-of-touch Hollywood douchebag TV program concept teams what they’re supposed to like, American Idol seeks to renovate itself once again. I offer the one ratings-grabber they’ve never tried: Cancellation! It doesn’t matter where it goes, just flush it! Jiggle the handle if you have to! That way, I don’t have to keep setting aside time to crank out these hate-filled, bile-venting paeans to this monstrosity of American television programming.
Please feel free to shut down this conveyor belt of substandard entertainment, seal the vault on the whole concept of musical contest shows, and replace it with something even worse, just like what American television programming has been doing pretty much unabated since the mid-1960s. I mean, don’t just worsen American TV the same old starchy way. Surprise us a little!