I happened to stumble onto this gem of an article about bosses and how you can tell they’re lying to you.
This article relies on an analytical approach that’s based on psychological clues, rooted in interpreting visual and verbal behaviors. It’s very academic, and probably very well-researched, and therefore, I would hazard that it’s highly accurate and useful.
But we at the Chuck Foxtrot Page like to do a little more than just gripe about current events, the foibles of modern society, and the banal entertainment we’re forced to absorb. We like to think that we provide a service to our exclusive reader base. That is why we are including our own method for determining whether or not your superiors at work are lying to you.
So here is the somewhat abridged Chuck Foxtrot Page version of how to tell if your boss is being less than honest with you. Look for the following clues:
– His/her mouth is open, and some vocalized noise is coming out.
Always be on the lookout for any and all of the above indicators. As an added specialty to today’s workplace insight article, we’d like to include an interpretation of boss jargon that is commonly used by superiors in today’s high-paced work environment. The use of these phrases are surely an indicator that you, as an employee, are being fed seminar-taught, crock-of-shit corporate rhetoric. Please refer to the following:
“We’re facing exciting new challenges in the upcoming quarter.” Translation: “You maggots are going to work harder than you ever have before, and you’re going to fucking like it!”
“And, we’re facing exciting new goals and new changes.” Translation: “We don’t care what your honest effort level is. Get your output levels up, or you’re gone!”
“Our company is all about respecting each and all of our associates.” Translation: “Look. Don’t start up conflicts with anybody out there. We’re busy trying to make more money. We don’t need bullshit outta you people!”
“Our ultimate goal, as always, is to create a safe, respectful work environment for everyone here.” Translation: “Your head’s gonna roll as soon as we hear the slightest union rhetoric outta you. Is that clear?!”
“Each of us should always ask ourselves, “Did I give enough of myself today?” Translation: “Ask yourself this: ‘Do I want my boss’ boot stirring around in my rectum?’ If not, then let’s see some more effort!”
“In our work environment, we think the most important thing is attitude.” Translation: “The beatings will continue unabated until morale is SOARING! Got that?”
“In the end we know that you want to win.” Translation: “If you want that raise that keeps you just a little bit behind the increases in the cost of living instead of waaaay behind ‘em, you’ll do what we tell you and LOVE it, or else!”
“All workplaces have boundaries that must be respected.” Translation: “If all you’re going to do with your time here is question my judgement, then you might as well clean out your desk/kiosk/locker right now!”
“And, as usual, it’s important that we maintain our vision and keep our company’s goals in sight.” Translation: “Consider yourselves chained to your oars FOR REAL from here on out, suckers!”
“If we stay committed to our vision, in the end, we’ll all be surest to benefit.” Translation: “When I get back from Tahiti, I better see you maggots busting it, or you can kiss off that second pair of pants you’ve been saving up for!”
We at the Chuck Foxtrot Page hope this information will help you understand exactly where you stand in today’s work environment, and exactly how much your company recognizes your contribution. Please bear this information in mind while you’re at work, performing your assigned duties with your head constantly clapped in the stock of a guillotine. Thanks for reading!