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Wag-Dogger Alert: Happy ending brewing for Twinkie addicts?

What a versatile news public we have here in America.  Sure, the nation just had a divisive presidential election.  Indeed, thousands are STILL without power following a major hurricane on the East Coast.  And once again, the Gaza Strip is getting blasted to shit, with dozens of civilians losing their lives.  But yet, true to our self-indulgent, diabetic, fat-assed nature, we don’t let all that noise distract us from the real story of the moment:  We may or may not be seeing the last of the iconic Hostess Twinkie.

Ever since the 82-year-old Hostess Brands company announced the impending closure of their bakeries, the fate of the Twinkie — and perhaps less so Hostess’ other products, including Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, Suzy Qs, Sno Balls and Wonder Bread — has clogged the news lanes like a wag-doggerish globule of journalistic cholesterol.  Even the cause of the closings — a wildcat strike by bakery workers brought on by wage and benefit cuts, brought on in turn by steadily-dropping sales since 2004 — has been swept aside while news agencies have repeatedly teased and tempted us with updates concerning the fate of the yellow-and-white confections.

The latest press-stopper is that Hostess may find a buyer interested in keeping the product lines going, with the Mexican company El Grupo Bimbo (no, I’m not making that up) taking the apparent bidding lead.  So strip off your black armbands, my girthy, sugar-addicted compatriots:  The Twinkie might not be doomed to extinction after all.

This ongoing sugary saga is most certainly a worthy use of America’s vast journalistic resource.  The half-million homeless war veterans in this country are going to need something to read in the newspapers to distract them from their misery — at least before their reading material becomes underwear.   And if the Twinkie line will continue, surely even those armless “blood diamond” kids in Africa will find some way to applaud.  Sure, the Twinkie craving can be easily satisfied from any one of dozens of knock-off brands rattling around the snack-cake isles out there, or perhaps with some Redi-Whip and some strawberry shortcake fill cakes without the strawberry stuff.  But we’re discussing the Twinkie here.  On the TV show All In The Family, the Bunkers welcomed entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr. to their home with a Twinkie.  Saving the Twinkie is like saving America.  We all have something invested.

So let’s hope that the Twinkie will survive for our future enjoyment.  If the Twinkie can be saved, I’m sure many of us will welcome the news with open pieholes.

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